gardnpondr
Recently, I was lying in bed thinking deeper thoughts than I probably should have been seeing as how I was supposed to be asleep. I began to picture a scenario in which I had to tell someone who I was in a nutshell. I had to sum up personality, character traits, dreams, disappointments, my entire existence in just a few words. At the time, my thought was to be associated with tea. After all, that's where I feel that I am at my best. Tea represents the hospitality and peace that I want people to feel around me. It also is an example of strength. Teacups look beautiful and dainty, yet most have a strength that can't be defined. They can go through hot water and come out looking better for the journey! I wish that I could say the same about myself.
The new year always brings thoughts of how we want to change our lives for the better. I usually don't make resolutions simply because I don't usually keep them. This year was no exception. I did start realizing that I felt like I was in a funk. I wasn't sure why though. I would go through each part of my life in sections. I had an absolutely wonderful husband that loved me. I had an adorably cute baby boy who is actually a pretty good baby. Aiden is a happy baby. He only cries when he's hungry, sleepy, or wet. I'm a stay-at-home mom which is what I wanted to be. The house stays pretty clean most of the time which is important to me. I have friends that I love. I love my church. So what was wrong?
I began to think that maybe I was needing to get out of the house more. I ended up having to get out for most of the week last week for a court case that I was testifying in. I got to hang out with people that I loved to work with when I did work. I thought maybe I'm missing working. But the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I didn't miss my job. I just kept getting more and more depressed. It was to the point that I would just start crying over the littlest things. It was just so weird!
We were heading to my in-laws the other night when I just started crying not even knowing why. And no, it wasn't the thought of dealing with my mother-in-law. I started praying. Yes, I said started. It hadn't occured to me any earlier to ask God what was wrong with me. Like He wouldn't know or something?! I questioned whether deep down I might really miss work. There were aspects of the job that I downright loved. I loved keeping track of all the details. I loved making sure everything balanced. I liked when I worked in the back keeping everything running smoothly. Those were all things that I could transfer to being a homemaker. But for the most part, I didn't miss the rest of the job. Or so I thought. God started showing me that there was a part of my job that I missed desperately. When I did my job well, there were people around me to notice and comment on what a good job that I did. You don't get that from a four month old. He doesn't care that the floor is clean enough for him to play on or that he's on his third bottle when you haven't had time for even one bite of anything. There's no positive feedback. You're doing it solely because it's the right thing to do. The only one to know is God and last time I checked, God's not going to walk through the front door and say, " Oh, look how much effort you've put into keeping the house clean, the baby fed, and your husband's clothes clean. You've done a wonderful job today!" We go through our whole lives waiting for a "Well done, my good and faithful servant." Our whole lives for seven words.
Yikes! That's a long time to wait. I questioned God about this. Yes, I'm a questioner. I once heard a song titled "Honesty." It talked about how God's not afraid of our honesty. He's not afraid of the questions or afraid of our doubts. Anyway, I can't tell you the exact scriptures that He brought to my mind that told me He loved me. But I do remember questioning him about not having that human touch and affirmation from Him like we do in the world. And as I questioned God about not having His touch, my husband reached over and took my hand and began to pray for me. My husband didn't know what I was going through. All he knew was that he felt like God told him to pray for me.
In that moment, I realized that we don't wait 'til the end of our lives for seven words. God uses people everyday to say that He loves us and really does care for us.
My and Aiden's favorite show is the Rachael Ray talk show. The other day she had Montel Williams as a guest. She asked him what the worst and best advice he'd ever been given. I don't think that I'll ever forget what he said was the best. "You are the only person who owns the definition of who you are." I could be the depressed homemaker who needs constant affirmation of who I am. Or I could realize that I can be the best me that God can help me be. If I want to be a teacup, then I'm the one who has to turn to God to give me that strength. I have to start living like I want to be. I don't have to take anyone else's definition of who I am.
So, the question now is:
Who Are You?
